Holes in my clothing And holes in my mind And holes in the ceiling That raindrops will find They fall from the heavens And slip through the holes Right through the ceiling; My mind; My clothes
The liquid, it pools Collects in my mind It coats every crevasse Or cracks it can find But my mind works better When something's not right Raindrops won't break it Or decrease its sight
And my clothes fit better Once they've been drenched They cling to my arms Like fists tightly clenched Little fists with little holes Their knuckles dark and bruised Beaten and broken and beaten again From years of heartfelt abuse
Rain continues to fall Through the holes in my ceiling It slowly pools on the floor The linoleum is peeling But a house that's gone to waste Seems just about right for me It seems to match my person Or who I've been lately
Yes, holes in the ceiling Are really right for me These holes are like theatres And this show is for free At night I just look on up When the stars all shine on through And I watch my free matinee And my thoughts all turn to you
Honest critique incoming. I'm more looking at your technical writing skills. The subject matter doesn't interest me too much, but I can't put my opinions down. You have some interesting images (like a wet shirt clinging to someone like a clenched fist, pretty good!), but overall the piece drowns in a lack of attention to details.
I don't feel like this piece has any genuine flow to it. The rhyme scheme leaves something to be desired. Really, the overall format of the piece is pretty basic, which can sometimes work, but it feels like it becomes problematic with this piece. I'm going to dissect four lines from this poem. Assume the critique given here could be applied to the bulk of the piece.
First things first, the metre is awfully inconsistent:
"But my mind works better When something's not right Raindrops won't break it Or decrease its sight"
When you read it aloud, it comes out like so:
"but my mind works better when something's not right raindrops won't break it or decrease its sight"
The syllables in bold, or "long" syllables, are generally how the words are emphasized in everyday speech, while the lower-case ones, "short" syllables, are given much less emphasis. Notice how there's no pattern or consistency in just that stanza. It's okay to switch it rhythms and be intuitive when it comes to this sort of thing, but after examining the entire poem, it's plain to see that whatever metre exists here, if any at all, was unintentional. Try sticking with a simple "one-two" rhythm (or "iambic metre", see wikipedia for more info) if you want to practice it.
Your rhymes often feel forced, or otherwise unnecessary at times. Referencing again the clip pasted earlier: "Raindrops won't break it | or decrease its sight" The previous line speaks about the mind as being the subject of these two lines. Raindrops won't break it seems very... ambiguous. Break it's concentration? Break it like an animal is house broken? Or literally break it in two? If that wasn't confusing enough, the next line or decrease its sight is plenty to try to wrap my mind around. And by wrap my mind, I don't mean to contemplate the lines deep philosophical nature; I just don't understand what that line is supposed to mean. It feels like a sort of personifying metaphor that was inserted simply because it rhymes with "right", but it does nothing for the poem as a whole. It feels careless and almost excessive.
Here's how I would revise the four lines, and I'm not suggesting you do so, but just to illustrate what I've gone over:
"I concentrate much better when disturbances arise the rain won't break my focus! the rain won't block my eyes."
This will illustrate the same point and maintain a stronger sense of rhythm. Notice the last line starts on a short foot while the line before it ends on a short foot. Rules were meant to be broken, but not to be blatantly ignored.
I hope this helped. Sorry if it comes across as harsh, I'm not trying to bash or anything, just some sensible critique. I'm going through an episode of insomnia, I needed to kill some time. Honest, I really am trying to help. I don't recommend completely revising this piece unless you're very attached to it's idea and premise, but keep these ideas I've presented here in mind for future writing.
Well the metre is as it is because the rhythm of the piece follows how I would speak it...obviously when taken from spoken form to written form the emphasis of each line is lost and thus so is the metre. Its hard to explain.
As for the ambiguity, its really meant to have that. The poem isnt meant to have a clear cut meaning. In fact, I was writing as things came to me and I'm not entirely sure of what it means. This really isn't my most meaningful piece. If you'd like to see something with meaning look at grasping at straws.
I have to concede that some of my rhymes were somewhat forced. I made the choice to simply post it, despite some problems it had. I don't really require perfection.
As for what you were saying at the end about revising, I find the revision you posted very very rigid. As in if I read it aloud, it just doesnt flow. I think my original version flows much better, but I can understand that its hard to translate the rhythm i had in mind without hearing it.
It was a little harsher than I expected, but some of what you said makes sense. Not to say they rest doesn't, i just dont agree with certain parts of it. Saying that there is no sense of rhythm for instance, I strongly agree with.
Nope I will not be silenced. I wish I could write poems like you can. I wish I could write poems like you can. I wish I could write poems like you can. I wish I could write poems like you can. I wish I could write poems like you can. I wish I could write poems like you can. I wish I could write poems like you can. I wish I could write poems like you can. I wish I could write poems like you can. I wish I could write poems like you can. I wish I could write poems like you can. I wish I could write poems like you can. I wish I could write poems like you can. I wish I could write poems like you can. I wish I could write poems like you can. I wish I could write poems like you can. I wish I could write poems like you can. I wish I could write poems like you can. I wish I could write poems like you can. I wish I could write poems like you can. I wish I could write poems like you can. I wish I could write poems like you can. I wish I could write poems like you can. I wish I could write poems like you can.
Lies! You know! I know you know! hahaha I kid. However, seriously, this has to be one of my favorite. I know I say that about like all of them, and I have like half your poems favorite, but everytime you write a new poem, each one is amazingly awesome and well written. I already told you I wish I could write like you hahaa. But you shushed me. However, you can't shush me on hear so I will say it again: I wish I could write poems like you can. hahaha!
:la:First of all,
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scheinbar is a much-loved and well-known deviant. Just one look at her gallery, filled with enchanting photography, will have you mesmerized. A deviant for over 7 years, Christiane can always be found posting inspirational features as well as regularly commenting on other deviations and encouraging and empowering her fellow deviants. We are inspired and insist that you too stop by and congratulate ... Read More